To update, even though i wrote all that, the very next night I broke down and called chax, partly out of a sense of injustice (plus a dash of drunkenness). I'm feeling bad and he has no idea, so I decide to let him know. I fell asleep at some point and woke up feeling worse. In the morning I asked if I could come see him. I just needed clarity. I didn't go but succeeded in getting a rundown of the terms of the breakup. I think that's what I wanted all along but it sounded somewhat demeaning to say, especially when I'm dealing with someone who prefers to speak exclusively in metaphor. When will we see each other again? What will it be like? How often will we talk? Are you going to date people? Sleep with them? I want to see our relationship as an intense connection sustained over time and space. But actually I have things to say that make it look petty and day-to-day. I’m jealous and insecure and I feel the need to express these things or they torture me. Also, I keep feeling a distasteful sense of entitlement: he owes it to me. I put him ahead of me last year. I paid for things, got him jobs, brought him coffee in bed, drove him around when he developed a fear of the subway, helped him with his applications, all night sometimes. Would he have done those things for me? Probably not, it isn’t his style. On the other hand, he did so much else for me. He introduced me to new interests and ideas, was a loyal friend and always on my side. He included me in everything and wanted to have me around, with his friends and family, who I adore. He showed he respected me, brought almost constant fun and good cheer into my life, encouraged and inspired me. My feelings come and go in these waves of understanding. Sometimes I’m washed over by the feeling that everything will be okay, but then it recedes again and leaves me all vulnerable and lonely.